Well, it's official, I'm single again. The text message from her just came in and our separation is over, our divorce is here. I'm not married.
Tears are swelling up in my eyes as I write this. I feel relieved that I don't have the responsibilities of supporting a wife and home. I feel good that I don't have her tribulations to deal with any more. I feel like a complete failure that I was fired from being a husband. I feel as if I let down and broke the heart of the only person to truly love me who wasn't required to by law. I feel so sad.
Like men, women have issues of their own. For her I have removed those issues.
Although I never read any, I assume all of the self-help books say that one must write about their flaws in order to make them better. These are things I did that helped end my marriage. My issues. R. always said I was selfish. I recently spent a lot of time in the garage making Adirondack chairs out of skis. I worked on one for a month. The second for two weeks and the third for a week. Why did I do all of this instead of being at my wife’s side? Perhaps it was my way of coping since I had just recovered from testicular cancer surgery and was coming to terms with the fact that I will never have any natural children of my own. My father taught me to accept the things that I couldn’t change and to move on from there. Some couldn’t understand why I wasn’t in tears and moaning over the never having children that were genetically mine. I was and am terribly sad that I can’t have children. Tears are going down my cheek right now. When I wasn’t doing my own thing, I was supporting her in coping with our loss. She didn’t understand that I was being a man and taking care of her and casting aside my own emotions. I hurt. Of course I hurt, but I was trying, albeit poorly, to support her.
We were often together all weekend, but once in a while I needed a little me time. The one thing I wanted to do, might have lead to the demise of our marriage. I didn’t need to ride the New York City subway in my underwear with 3,000 other people, but I wanted to. I needed to do something for myself. (http://improveverywhere.com/2010/01/18/no-pants-subway-ride-2010/).
I was lonely the whole time. I wished she was with me. I wished I could share this experience with her, but she didn’t come.
(Section removed for her.)
Our marriage has been officially over for an hour and a half now. I’m sad but I don’t regret the whole thing. It wasn’t a waste of six years. I skied Colorado and Vermont with her. I saw Carmina Burana and Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony with her. Her wanting to have a child saved my life. Without her, I wouldn’t have found my tumor. I could be dead or really suffering right now if it wasn’t for her. I witnessed utter kindness towards animals with her and I felt true love from her. R once said to me, “Honey, I think you have ADD, maybe you should get tested.” I didn’t think so, but since we went our own ways I gave it more thought. Now after seeing a counselor and being tested, I am on minor medication to help me get focused. These are things that I wouldn’t have experienced without her. Could I have written all of this without it, I don’t know. But if I can focus more clearly on work and life, then for this, I thank her.
To her: I am so sorry that our marriage did not work. You have meant a lot to me and I thank you for the years we spent together. I wish you nothing but happiness, children, and love in the future. I wish your parents success in their new move and your wonderful dog, G., many years of running and playing with your mother.
As for me, I’m going to pursue some dreams before getting into another relationship.
Goal #1: Move to Colorado for at least a year.
Way to achieve this goal: Get a job- Check- Working this winter at Aspen.
Get a house- Check- Got a shared apartment in Snowmass.
Move there- Soon.
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