A reason to change.

Being 32, recently single, changing jobs, moving states, and losing some married weight is an adventure.  This song keeps coming back to me and making me think, and I wanted to share it with you.  It's by Hoobastank.:

"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

and the reason is You [x3]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This song reminds me that I am not the only person to go through a hurtful break-up.  As much as I was hurt in the relationship, so was R.   This blog, the first entry, has completely caused the demise of what little was left of the relationship.  I feel that that is a good thing because it severs the last remaining string in the relationship.  I am ready to move on.  I'm not quite dating yet, but I am more social.

Have you hurt someone in the past?  How so?  Did you change?  Does the other person know that you changed?

Fulfilling Unrealized Dreams

I never played in organized football.  I don't watch football.  I know nothing about football.  I joined a flag football team.

This past Saturday I was playing flag football in Roosevelt Park with a my Meetup group (http://www.meetup.com/flagfootball-84/) and no one seemed to want to be Quarterback for our advancement.

I took a shot at it.  As you can see in the picture, I tossed the ball, it wasn't intercepted and my teammate caught it, advancing us ten yards.  I QBed again and made it another "ten yards."  On the third down, I threw the ball to Alex who caught it at the end of the end-zone with only one hand.  Way to go Alex!  Way to go me!  I lived in Boston when the Patriots won the Super Bowl and imagined how cool it would be to be Tom Brady, and for a few minutes, I felt great.  Wow, I threw three completions for a touchdown!  So Cool!

Of course, then I QBed again and had two interceptions.  Brought me back to Earth. I look forward to playing again this weekend.

What successes have you unexpectedly had that brought you some excitement?

Dreams and Lessons

On my way home from Boy Scout camp twenty years ago, my father and I hit some traffic, so we started chatting about life.  He taught me two lessons then that I have used most of my life, but have giving a lot of thought to lately.  The second lesson was when passing cars always look at their front left tire just to make sure they aren't about to come into your lane.  Pretty useful lesson.

The first lesson was to do anything that you have to do to survive.  This came about while talking about not being killed during a genocide, but can be used in day to day living.  For the past ten years, like many of you, I have done jobs to pay the bills, pay the rent/mortgage, date money, and a little savings.  I haven't yet had a job that I loved.

If you've read below, you know that I will be moving to Colorado in December to pursue a dream of living in that state.  I took a job that's pretty simple, but pays okay, has benefits, and housing so it's a good start.  It also comes with a free season pass to Aspen and some other mountains, so that's a great benefit.  Once the winter is over, I will be looking for a new job.  Actually, I will be looking for a new job all winter, but hopefully starting it after winter's over.  Anyway, I hope to be happier and emotionally more successful in my new state and mind.

Several of my friends have also decided to pursue their dreams.  One made his dream into his job.  The other has been in a very successful career for ten years and is now adding to his career a side job just for the enjoyment of it.

In 2005, Matt was a recent UMass graduate who joined the corporate world.  Like most people, he hated the corporate world so he decided to save up some money, quit his job, and travel the world for a year.  He came back a year and a half later.  Once back he completed his MBA (all his friends know this since he signs his emails with MBA after his name), and got back on a plane.  He's used his business knowledge to travel the world, write a successful and profitable blog, and make his dream into his job.  He seems pretty happy to me.  Check out his website at http://www.nomadicmatt.com/. 

My other friend, Ben, has been a very successful day trader in New York Ciry since 2001. He recently purchased a nice one bedroom on the upper west side, got married to a beautiful, super smart (she married him), and cultured woman, and is (ahem....hope I'm not the first to reveal this) expecting his first child in a few months. Since I first met him many years ago at UMass (http://www.umass.edu/) he has been extremely fit.  For a short period after I graduated, I lived with his family while I was looking for a place of my own.  Each day he would do 100 crunches and then go jogging for an hour.  He also built his own bike path in the woods near his house.  About a year ago, he took classes on the side to be a professional trainer and has passed his exam.  Although he is still trading stocks, he's now also a personal trainer who does his workouts in Central Park.   Check out his sight at http://www.barefootbenny.com/ 

Like these two, I will be soon embarking on my own adventure.  Hopefully it will bring me as much happiness as their dreams have.  A lesson I've learned on my own is that you really have to love what you do, otherwise the days will drag on and before you know it, you'll be too old to care about the dreams.


What lessons have you learned?  What dreams have you followed?

For Sale: Tickets to Phantom of the Opera

Husbands sometimes know what their wives want, but don't get it for them.  It could be because they don't like the thing.  Not the case here.  It could be laziness.  Maybe.  It could be that the wife has already had this thing multiple times and it usually pre-amped a soon to be break-up.  Possibly the case here.

Since my marriage has already ended, I thought, "hey, let me spend a lot of money on a gift she always wanted."  Popular opinion among friends and second thoughts here have lead me to believe that this isn't a good idea.  Thus, for the same price I paid, I offer:

2 Orchestra seats Row L  Seats 109 and 110 to Phantom of the Opera.  New York City.  Saturday, November 6, 2010.  2pm.

$265

As of 11:00am I am divorced.

Well, it's official, I'm single again.  The text message from her just came in and our separation is over, our divorce is here.  I'm not married.

Tears are swelling up in my eyes as I write this.  I feel relieved that I don't have the responsibilities of supporting a wife and home.  I feel good that I don't have her tribulations to deal with any more.   I feel like a complete failure that I was fired from being a husband.  I feel as if I let down and broke the heart of the only person to truly love me who wasn't required to by law.  I feel so sad.

Like men, women have issues of their own.  For her I have removed those issues.

Although I never read any, I assume all of the self-help books say that one must write about their flaws in order to make them better.  These are things I did that helped end my marriage. My issues.  R. always said I was selfish.  I recently spent a lot of time in the garage making Adirondack chairs out of skis.  I worked on one for a month.  The second for two weeks and the third for a week.  Why did I do all of this instead of being at my wife’s side?  Perhaps it was my way of coping since I had just recovered from testicular cancer surgery and was coming to terms with the fact that I will never have any natural children of my own.  My father taught me to accept the things that I couldn’t change and to move on from there.  Some couldn’t understand why I wasn’t in tears and moaning over the never having children that were genetically mine.  I was and am terribly sad that I can’t have children.  Tears are going down my cheek right now.  When I wasn’t doing my own thing, I was supporting her in coping with our loss.  She didn’t understand that I was being a man and taking care of her and casting aside my own emotions.  I hurt.  Of course I hurt, but I was trying, albeit poorly, to support her.

We were often together all weekend, but once in a while I needed a little me time.  The one thing I wanted to do, might have lead to the demise of our marriage.   I didn’t need to ride the New York City subway in my underwear with 3,000 other people, but I wanted to.  I needed to do something for myself. (http://improveverywhere.com/2010/01/18/no-pants-subway-ride-2010/). 

I was lonely the whole time.  I wished she was with me.  I wished I could share this experience with her, but she didn’t come.

(Section removed for her.)

Our marriage has been officially over for an hour and a half now.  I’m sad but I don’t regret the whole thing.  It wasn’t a waste of six years.  I skied Colorado and Vermont with her.  I saw Carmina Burana and Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony with her. Her wanting to have a child saved my life.  Without her, I wouldn’t have found my tumor.  I could be dead or really suffering right now if it wasn’t for her.  I witnessed utter kindness towards animals with her and I felt true love from her. R once said to me, “Honey, I think you have ADD, maybe you should get tested.”  I didn’t think so, but since we went our own ways I gave it more thought.  Now after seeing a counselor and being tested, I am on minor medication to help me get focused. These are things that I wouldn’t have experienced without her. Could I have written all of this without it, I don’t know.  But if I can focus more clearly on work and life, then for this, I thank her.

To her:  I am so sorry that our marriage did not work.  You have meant a lot to me and I thank you for the years we spent together.  I wish you nothing but happiness, children, and love in the future.  I wish your parents success in their new move and your wonderful dog, G., many years of running and playing with your mother.

As for me, I’m going to pursue some dreams before getting into another relationship. 

Goal #1: Move to Colorado for at least a year.

Way to achieve this goal: Get a job- Check- Working this winter at Aspen.

Get a house- Check- Got a shared apartment in Snowmass.

Move there- Soon.